Monday, July 4, 2011

Top Ten Bad Remakes

And now for a list of remakes that failed on one level or another from bad to terrible.

Ten Pooptastic Remakes(in no real order):

1. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 2005 - Inferior in pretty much every way. It lacked the vibe, the look, and the integrity of the original. Tim Burton, in yet another dreadful remake, threw his generic style over a classic and tried to make up for in flash what it lacked in...well...everything. Johnny Depp couldn't even save this stinker.

2. A Nightmare on Elmstreet 2010 - The Freddy movies, as they are often called, were made what they were by Robert Englund. His personalty and acting is what made Freddy what he was. It was really a role that no one could play but Englund. This flat feeling, dull, and generic remake, took all the personality out of the character. The acting was poor and the cast completely generic. You need to either love or hate a cast. When you don't care at all, something has been done wrong. And Freddy's new look, that of a real burn victim, just looked sad, not scary.

3. Planet of the Apes 2001 - Another crime against cinema by Tim Burton. Poorly acted, all flash, completely missed the point and the feeling of the Planet of the Apes movies. Had Burton even seen one? Then to top it all off, the ridiculous, vague ending. Was that an attempt to hint at a sequel? Gawd, I hope not.

4. The Crazies 2010 - Not a horrible movie, but bland, sorta dull, and just not needed. What made the original so good was the vibe of it all. This film lacked any kind of personality. It played everything very safe.

5. Batman 1989 - Like Batman Begins, this wasn't a remake but a reboot. And a terrible one at that. Batman was barely in it, Joker was mangled and far removed from the source material, and the look of it was confused and should have been another movie. Again I ask, had Tim Burton ever read a Batman comic? Another case of using flash and style to cover up a bad movie. The Burton formula.

6. Transformers 2007 - Not a remake or reboot persay, but I just couldn't resist mentioning this "film". Poorly written, poorly acted, silly, stupid, complete lack of respect to the source material. Even with a Rifftrax running I was barely able to make it through this. Not even Megan Fox's hotty hot hotness could save it. Easily one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

7. Day of the Dead 2008 - A key sign that a movie is going to be terrible is if it stars a rapper. I usually won't watch anything starring a rapper, but since the Dawn of the Dead remake was good, I gave Day of the Dead a shot. I am sorry I did. Horrible, silly, and not funny(though it tried). Just bad bad bad. Rappers should NOT be allowed to act. Not as bad as Transformers, but darn near close. Uwe Boll would have been proud!

8. Dark Water 2005 - Boring American remake of a boring Japanese film which was an adaption of a boring Japanese short story. But being that I don't like J-Horror overall, I may be a tad biased. Either way, Dark Water was dulllllllllllll. And for the record, I actually really like the author that wrote the story. Just not that story.

9. Quarantine 2008 - Haven't seen the original and actually kind of enjoyed the remake. BUT, I have a weak stomach when it comes to motion(car sickness and such) and all the shaky cam made me quite sick to my stomach. Not the movie's fault, but now I associate it with nausea. Plus, I find that girl from Dexter kind of gross.

10. Prom Night 2008 - I made it twenty minutes before I turned it off. Teen horror in the 80s worked. Teen horror now, does not. 80s teen horror was sleazy and often full of nudity. Nowadays it might as well air on the Disney channel.

And some upcoming remakes I dread: The Crow, Susperia, and Spiderman.

Wow, that was a much more involved blog than I had meant. I'm a big boy blogger now!


  1. I totally agree with the thing about Freddy's look! Damn, that was stupid! There was a reason they made him more demonic looking originally, this was a textbook case of a modern movie having to show their superior technology or something, and how "realistic" they can be, but playing a real looking burn victim for fear is just cluelessly tasteless.

    The only Tim Burton film I like a fair bit is Ed Wood, partly because Martin Landau is so great in it. Even Mars Attacks, which people always think I'll like because I love classic sci fi movies, felt really forced.

    Speaking of Megan Fox, I enjoyed Jennifer's Body, and thought she was pretty good in it, aside from which, despite what haters say, she just has "it" - I thought it was at least more interesting than a lot of recent horror, and didn't mind the homages to Argento and Bava. I'm a bit ambivalent about the ending, but Adam Brody was especially good in it, I keep thinking it's a shame he's gotten quite obscure while Shia LaBoeuf is making crazy dollars. But that's how it goes sometimes.

  2. Once again Aaron you prove you are a man of fine taste. I couldn't put my finger on it, but you are right. Freddy's look is just tasteless.

    I like Ed Wood a lot too. But its one of the few that don't really have that Burton look or feel. Pee Wee was good too.

    I havent seen Jennifer's Body. But now I might just watch it.

    Speaking of Shia. I disliked him already, but I actually had an altercation with him in traffic in Burbank. He started yelling and called me a "faggot". Pretty funny.

  3. Oh yeah, I forgot about Pee Wee! I also like that one, it's hilarious.