Monday, September 29, 2014

The Amazingly Horrible Japanese Adult Video Title List!

Being a connoisseur of most things sleazy, I've sampled filth from around the world. And hands down, the worst I've seen as a whole, is Japan. Not that the girls aren't hot. Nor is it poorly made. It boils down to the country's standard of sexy. And for some weird reason what they like is crying. That's right. Watch any porn made in Japan for the Japanese audience and the girls cry, whimper, and whine their way through every scene. The sex noises often sound like a Mogwai being tortured.What that says about the porn viewers over there is a whole 'nother topic that I certainly don't want to get into.

But what Japan does have is some of the most amazing and hilarious titles I've heard. And these aren't rough translations either. These are the actual Engrish titles. So here is my list of some of my favs. And note, I by no means endorse these films. Just the titles.

1. Brain Fucking Bitch -  Not really sure if it is about a girl having sex with a brain or a girl having her brain molested or a weird way of saying oral. Either way, it's amazing.

2. Sex Tycoon and the Destitute Swamp Ho - Definitely one of my favorite titles, and this one actually makes a bit of sense. But I think the burning question here is what is a swamp ho? My mind instantly goes to images of a sexy Swamp Thing. I'm probably wrong. 

3. Painful Groins Getting Pounded - Sounds a bit like a medical video they would show to first year med students. Why are the groins painful? Cause of the pounding? Or were they painful before the pounding? This is clearly a thinking man's porn. And with the subtitle "Non Stop Pussy Pounding Pain" it really makes you wonder.

4. Top Secret Creampie Confidential - One of the Top Secret Creampie series, which also includes Top Secret Creampie Big Tits. What exactly is a top secret creampie? Who is the secret being kept from? The girl or the guy? Both? A creampie conspiracy?

5. Meath Note: A parody of the Death Note anime and manga, the studio didn't quite realize that Meath sounds like Meth; thus making it sound like a documentary about crystal meth. I'm not even sure what they meant with the word Meath. Maybe cause it looked like the word meat? Either way, this series is up to about Vol. 15 now. People love Meth. I mean, Meath.

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